Conflicting with my Self.

My life is at a stand still at the moment. I've quit my band, as much as I didn't want to, to save money. Still looking for a job, had a couple interviews but nothing definite yet. Losing my interest in going back to school, but that's probably the best option. Slowly losing my mind as I spend most days sitting in my dark room listening to slow jazz and some jazz fusion. I haven't touched my bass in weeks, it's been sitting in it's gig bag since then. Ever since I quit Naegleria my ex-band members haven't talked to me since, and it's a shame that I had to lose those guys as friends. They may dislike me but I don't dislike them, I wish the best for Naegleria.

Ever since I quit I'm afraid of losing my interest in music. I've been really un-motivated to even play my bass lately, and I've been turned off my Death Metal (still a few bands I'll never stop enjoying). I've always said that music is my life but what's the point when nothing in my life is going well at all. The band was the only thing that truly made me happy and now its gone. I'm a broke, jobless, high-school grad and life is shitting me. Some days I can wake up happy and take life by the balls, take the bus apply to jobs all around Dudley, Oxford, Auburn, and call up those places several times each and get nothing... it's really hard. I feel like a loser cause I live with my grandparents, and I don't pay for anything. Back when I had a job I payed my bills, and had a little extra to have fun once in awhile, but that's gone.

If I could just work full time, be able to pay my bills, get a car, and then eventually get my own place with a friend and take night classes... I'd be the happiest person alive. This is where I slap my self and tell myself to stop being a mopey little bitch, but that could change tomorrow, and the next day. I'll never stop conflicting with myself about life, it's always on my mind.

WELP, I need to get back on Job Quest (if it actually works this time) and keep looking for jobs. Until next time.

Jacob Ryan.